He was no more than any or us are, and yet with that achieved far more than we ever will.

He was a brilliant man and argue what you will but I believe that he suffered from no more than the life of the celebrity.
Such accusations are formed off so little of a basis and only held ground because of his king of pop status.

Best present so far is being able to hold all four of my wisdom teeth in my hand. And being pretty loopy on T3's.

No but honestly it's been a pretty crappy day. This is going to have to be rectified when I start feeling better!

Not sure what to do this year for a party...not actually sure if I feel like doing anything at all but I thought I'd throw the decisionup to the high winds for you guys to find.

Yes this is an official "What do you think I should do for my birthday" posts.

Any ideas? There's been a few already suggested but I'll wait to post them until I hear all your says as well.

I think I enjoy playing music more than painting these days.

Hm.

2 weeks now of being flat veggie.
Feels as wholesome as it used to, but I always feel half-hungry. Perhaps I need more protein in my diet...the thought of meat seems to fill said hunger in an odd way. Or maybe I'm just still longing for it.
Getting ready to boat this coming week. Should be fun, I've always wanted to.
I'm starting to question a lot of things and the people I surround myself with. I think I need a bit of a break from it all.

I'm also somewhat bored with it all, I've taken to starting up new television series to watch at night to sharpen things up a bit, such as Battlestar Galactica. It pulls a drive away from art but I could care less right now. I'm kind of worried about moving out in my current financial situation. With Emily Carr looming in on the horizon this doesn't help.

I need to travel, get out of this fucking city. I'm going berserk.
Anybody in?

Maybe it's being raised in North Vancouver, but I enjoy the rain on my face so damn much. It almost touches upon the spiritual.
I cannot wait until spring, when it becomes warm enough to wander out to the river at 3 in the morn', while still raining. Sitting there and meditating in that soft plunder is just too amazing.

Currently not in a relationship, not until she can overcome some blocks she has erected, at least. I still care for her but do not find myself that distressed. Whatever happens will lead to new, inspiring roads.

I'm also going to stop taking commissions for a while. I have inspiration! And I want to harness and use that as much as possible before I lose it.
On the note of spending time, I'm slowly falling out of the social scene and retiring into hermitness and art. I might not be seeing some of you for a while.

There's a bit more I might talk about later, right now I'm drunk, listening to that delicious new Decemberists album, and turning on the new and most hopefully ever awful episode of Heroes though, so that will be another post.

-p.s. Season 4 of Venture Bros. is to be out this October/November, but will be split into 2 volumes, the second airing in June, with each being 8 episodes in length.
Also I read a terrible spoiler of the LOST nature after watching the last episode with Nick and Aurora. Episode 12 is going to be awesome.
 

I got in.

I'm going to Emily Carr.

I find myself growing more disinterest toward that things that made up my life in the past, at a rate that leaves me with a clean palette but also a lot disappointment. I might just be expecting too much of things that should be put past. I really want to see magic in them again though...so this all becomes rather frustrating.
If I do return to it again, I don't think I'll be able to hold the position of party thrower, the unease and worry that presented me with just made the night an entire mess. The tenants were unable to sleep because of intoxicated others being far too loud but also far too out of it to understand the concept of noise level. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad everyone else had a good time.
To me though, it was a total loss of a night because I spent the entire time looking after everyone else, never looking into myself, or creating any art for that matter.
Where'd the magic go?

So it turns out that I may have ruined any chance of ever gaining entrance to Emily Carr with my flailing Langara antics from long ago.
Woke up to this news after having an amazing night with Krystal and Andrew just earlier, so the two extremes balance each other out a bit, but still...

-sigh-
dammit.
 

Need to take a lot of time to think

Have fallen off the path a little again, whatever, s'okay. It happens.

Time to shift back onto it though.
 

The strangest dreams have been erecting themselves out of my consciousness, like weird brassy knives probing, as of late.

Which would be of little concern, were it not that I hardly ever have any sort of vivid dream.
I think it's time to start painting again, and to let this energy out.

I wasn't very popular growing up, though. I didn't have any real friends at school other than Steve and Kris, and looking back I didn't really have any at the Sunday School either. And that's why I decided to try going to the United Church youth group meetings, to socialize. Try and fit in with people on some level, because others way had failed. Being young, all that mattered was that other people liked me, which is a strange inverse to how I feel now.

The youth groups were fun in their own little way. I met Bochon and Matt there. And these things eventually evolved into the church camps on Gambier Island and at the Naramata Centre. Places I would come to love despite a lack of religious faith inside. These two camps became homes away from home that I waited for all year. Every visit would be so condensed into so many little life lessons and so many wonderful experiences with a truckload of magical people. People like Tara, Saxon, Joe, Victoria, Fiona, Leigh, and countless others. Most of these people I no longer talk to but I will always hold them close to my heart for the time we spent together.

But I grew out of the United Church. Maybe it wasn't ever meant to be my place. I never had spirituality in me while having that as a part of my life.

Now there's a spirituality within myself that won't fade. It took a lot of turns down an Earth-long road to reach it but it's there. Something I never imagined having...I didn't think of myself as that sort of person. Back then I was living in a very black and white world where there was a lot of pain, and a lot of bad decisions on both my part and others. And years of feeding into that only turned up the contrast.

I don't see myself ever being religious. I can't believe in a god. I can believe in the energy I feel but I would never follow a practice that is outside my own life in meaning because when it comes down to it, the only gods in this universe are the ones we bring out in ourselves. We are the controllers of our own life, we create our own heavens and hells, and we can decide to either make our fickle mortal time worth the most it can be, nothing at all, or something in between.
I believe that love and true happiness is the most powerful instrument that man has every had placed in his hands. Too often we forget the power it holds and sometimes we get rocked out of shape by it. But it is forever a gift.

And that's all my spirituality really boils down to, believing in inner love and embracing one's soul for the true beauty it holds, in its own little godlike way.

Ah...

Life is really really rushed right now. Trying to churn out as much art as possible for portfolio, which is due Friday. I like deadline, though. Maybe I thrive in stress...I sure produce more. I finished that last painting, by the way:

I'm working on another with hopes to have it complete by tomorrow. A lot less personal, but it's a pretty piece.
My only real concern lies within the essay writing. Ugh.
I might not even get in, you know? I don't even have all of the proper credits. I've talked to a few folk there and right now I'm relying on them letting it slide based on the quality of the portfolio, and a possible Math summer course. Even if they do take the portfolio seriously, I'm under a much harsher light than other applicants, and I can't help but feel as though this is both a waste of time, and an unnecessary cause for stress. On the other hand, shit it is making me create a lot of awesome art.

And you know, I'm lucky that I have the girl to talk to. It's keeping me trucking through this a little easier.
I'd be able to do this on my own, but...having something this nice sort of puts colour in even the darker areas.
It's strange but pleasant to be able to do things in absence on another person in my life, you know? Pushing myself to go back to art after Kristina really taught me how to do that. And currently, what the girl and I have is comfortable enough that we can both push for our own deepset passions, but still really care for each other. She has her horses; I have my paints. I've never been in a relationship where I had time set apart for my own, separate development, one outside the relationship. It's surreal but so much better having things this way.

I'm really happy right now. And...I think, I would still be pretty happy if I weren't in a relationship. It's no longer filling in for emotions, it just...amplifies them. I guess. LIKE A SUPACHARGA!!!



Okay. Back to painting for Tamoose.

Almost done.

You can tell Tommy's bored when he starts a weekly music review blog.

Check, check it

Whelp.

I lasted 3 weeks without alcohol. Wound up drinking with Astrid last Friday and then a little more at the club...then a little more at The Love Station. Didn't get drunk, just maintained a little buzz for the night.
But I'm proud and happy with how it turned out. I still haven't chowed down on any chemicals and I feel that my goal was pretty much met. Which for me, is exceptional, as I hardly ever keep the promises I make to myself. I'm going to see if I can maintain social drinking without falling back into the world of drinking more than one night a week. One night a week, maybe two. And with getting drunk no longer in my interests.

I ran into Scott at the club, Ed introduced us. It took me until we had reached the Naam to realise that Scott used to be George and that him and I used to be bus buddies. Haha, I don't think he remembers despite my poking at the subject.
I'd forgotten how much I liked him. We're going to head to The Fall some time next week to talk tattoos with the lovely shopkeeps there.

Also proceeded to revert back to whatever the hell it is that Astrid and I become when we see each other. It's funny. I like it. We dated in Grade 8 for about 6 months and yet we still have some weird connection. We'd never be in a relationship together again but at the same time, we're very close. There's a lot of love for each other there that I don't think will ever fade. Ah, there's no point trying to type out what it is. It just is.

Took my Shambhala ticket out from my drawer tonight to look at it and got thrown into that crazy Shambhalalalamindframe all over. I am so excited for August. It's so far away but dammit. That place, the energy it puts in me...it's just exceptional. I understand it isn't really just the place that does it, or the people, or the music, or the chemicals...but I think there's a certain come-together-at-last feel that permeates the air at Sham. Everyone is just so happy to be there after that long journey that last not just 8 hours, but an entire year. People change so much over that time and yet we all come back to who we are at our core at Sham. Yanik, feel free to back-talk here <3.

Raja Ram (1200 Micrograms, Shpongle) and Benji Vaughan (Younger Brother, Prometheus) have formed a project called "The Zap!", for those of you who are interested. Alright stuff, from what I've heard, but the boys have certainly done better. They have a pretty groovin' remix of "Because" by The Beatles, though. There's also a song by the name "One Forty Eight" that has a distinct Simon Posford feel to it.
Their Myspace can be found here.

This painting is killing me. I'm being so fucking picky with it, I keep moving parts and having to repaint. It's serving as a good tool to teach me the form of the human body, though. I think my next few canvasses will turn out for the better as a result. And I've got some really crazy ideas. I think I might break away from my very realistic surrealism style and try to move into something more fluid/splattery. Less restrictions on form and more energy flowing through the work. Mm, dreamlike, I suppose. Think Waking Life?

Tomorrow Emily is coming over and we'll be making some music with utensils and water glasses, some guitar and piano and her vocals, maybe some of mine. Also on the agenda? Painting and baking bread. Hell yes.

Okay I'm going to go read stuff on the Lost forums now, because it is my lifeblood, etc etc.
Puheace.

I haven't been feeling at place inside my body lately...and it seems it's starting to show. I've been told that I'm acting odd, distant, tense, and even aggressive at times. And, they're right...I have been.

I've been trying different things to try and calm myself down and put me at peace once more but nothing seems to work very well.

So, a question. When you are feeling estranged from yourself and life feels tense and awkward, what do YOU do to level out again? 

Man, am I zapped. Never in years have I worked so hard. Though it's good to make something come out of the day...

I am going to need to dance my ASS off this Friday. It's been a month since I last went out to the/any club.
If I don't my head, I swear, is...is...is going to break! :falls over:
DJ Mars is playing 'pparently, so it should be a decent night.

I don't really have anything else to post about. Or, I do, but I'm just not in the mood to type it out I guess. Lost was alright, expected it to be better.
Haha it's funny but the only time I ever feel like posting is when I'm either manic/insane or depressed/dying. Guess it gives me something spicy to type about, mm.

tl;dr...come to Organix Friday because Tommy is emerging from his painty cave! Probably still covered in paint! (hope it glows under UV)
 

---

On other notes, my heart is apparently retarded and basically the whole Girl thing should probably piss off for my own well being. At least I caught myself leaping too fast this time. Despite talking to her for hours and hours each night this past week for whatever reason, I still have a lot to learn about her. And she's certainly not looking for anything right now. We have some really cool energy between us, though. Well, when she isn't drunk at least. Which she was again tonight at Alicia's. I think I'll just leave that alone for now.

I also have way too many commissions for my own good right now. I think 8? Most have to be done by the end of the month, aie aie aie.

I don't think I want love so much right now (it would be nice, still) so much as something tangible with another person, something to help balance me out right now. And someone to hold, I suppose.

I'm going to try and go out next weekend because I haven't for the past two and I should really be more social.

If you walk away I walk away
first tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday
so you walk that way I'll walk this way

and the future hangs over our heads
and it moves with each current event
until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
just stay in when it's lookin' this way

and the moon's laying low in the sky
forcing everything metal to shine
and the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
they argue "walk this way," "no walk this way"

and laura's asleep in my bed
as I'm leaving she wakes up and says
"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
baby don't go away, come here"

and there's kids playing guns in the street
and one's pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say:
"Enough is enough,
If you walk away I walk away."
(and he shot me dead)

I found a liquid cure
for my landlocked blues
it will pass away
like a slow parade
it's leaving but I don't know how soon

and the world's got me dizzy again
you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin
and it only feels worse when I stay in one place
so I'm always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
and I'm balancing history books up on my head
but it all boils down to one quotable phrase
"If you love something give it away"
A good woman will pick you apart
a box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended, and you may be afraid
but don't walk away, don't walk away

We made love on the living room floor
with the noise in the background from a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
"If we walk away,they’ll walk away"
But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you're still free start runnin' away
'cause we're comin' for ya!

I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Sayin' let me walk away, please
You'll be free child once you have died
from the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
till then walk away walk away walk away walk away
So I'm up at dawn, putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving but I don't know where to

I'm starting to like this Girl.
But I'm not sure I want to. I don't want to be thrown around the court like every other relationship I've had recently.
But I like her.